


Heaven and hell (were words to me)

by Port_in_a_Storm



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Robert's past, Robert-centric, internalised biphobia, mentions of biphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-12 16:06:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9079801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Port_in_a_Storm/pseuds/Port_in_a_Storm
Summary: Robert has lived in the shadow of his past for too long; specifically the shadow of his father's disappointment in him, and hiding who he is. There has to be a way around it.





	

When Aaron got into bed, Robert was facing away from him. He pulled himself closer to the expanse of his boyfriend’s pale back and rubbed it soothingly.

Robert stirred. ‘Y’alright?’ he whispered into the dark room.

‘Mm.’ He was distracted, thinking about what Robert had told him over a week ago. ‘When... When your dad beat you,’ he said slowly, ‘did it leave marks?’

Robert’s head turned a little on the pillow. ‘Yeah. A bit of bruising; red skin.’ He paused. ‘For days it hurt when I pressed the bruises.’

Aaron rested his head closer to Robert’s on the pillow, letting his warm breath caress the back of his boyfriend’s – fiance now – neck. 

‘You haven’t told anyone else this?’ Aaron asked. ‘Any of it?’

Robert shook his head. ‘You’re the first and only. I knew I couldn’t tell Vic or Diane or Andy. Still can’t now. I don’t want to tarnish their memories with that. Especially Vic’s.’

Aaron kissed Robert’s shoulder. ‘Remember when you told me I wasn’t alone? Well, you aren’t either.’

‘I know.’ Robert clasped Aaron’s wandering right hand to his stomach and held it there. They lay in silence for a while. Aaron thought Robert had drifted off to sleep when he spoke again. ‘I went away for a while; lived with Annie, in Spain. My grandma,’ he said when Aaron made a confused sound. ‘Came back and I slept with Nicola. I didn’t mess around with any other lads while I was here. Felt like I needed to prove myself.’

‘I know what that feels like,’ Aaron said. Robert responded with a squeeze to his hand.

‘I couldn’t control it… feeling that way towards other lads.’

‘I know, Darlin’.’

Robert made a soft noise and turned his head a little at the term of endearment. Aaron kissed his shoulder again. ‘But I tried to. Even after he threw me out of the village, and even after he died, I was still tryin’ to please my Dad.’

‘You don’t have to do that anymore, Robert.’

‘You’re the only person who’s ever really seen me, Aaron. All of this? I’ve never been able to tell anyone about this before.’

Aaron’s heart hurt at the thought of Robert going through all of that alone, not just keeping everything a secret from the people he loved, but also not being able to tell anyone what Jack had done to him, and how much it hurt him physically and psychologically. He hated the thought of Robert being alone through it all. He held him tighter. ‘I know you said you don’t want to tell Vic,’ he said, ‘but what about Diane? Maybe you could tell her?’

‘No,’ Robert said instantly. ‘I don’t want _anyone else_ knowing about this, Aaron. Only you.’

‘Robert—’

‘Only you, Aaron. Promise me.’

He hesitated, but then remembered when he had forced Robert to keep a secret for him as well. ‘Okay,’ he answered. He kissed the back of his head. ‘Okay.’

****

‘Oh, pet, I’m so glad to see you back on your feet!’

Diane went round to the other side of the bar to hug Aaron as soon as he emerged from the back room. He smiled and returned her hug, smiling sheepishly at Robert.

‘Um, I’m fine by the way,’ Robert joked.

Tutting, Diane released Aaron and cupped Robert’s face. ‘It’s good to see you too, love. Chas told me you stayed with him at the hospital.’

‘As if I would’ve been anywhere else.’

Diane got suddenly misty eyed as she remembered what Chas had told her Robert had said: ‘He said he would’ve stayed with Aaron in that car, Diane. Can you believe… your Robert loves my Aaron that much.’ 

Aaron cleared his throat and Diane shook herself. ‘Sorry, love.’ She as good as dragged Aaron and Robert to the table where she had been sitting with Vic and Doug. ‘Let’s see those rings properly then.’

Aaron rolled his eyes, but they held their hands out for them to gush over. He and Robert shared a secret smile. For hours after they had slid the rings home on each other’s fingers, they had admired them from different angles, seeing how they glinted and shone in different lights, and when they put their bedside lamps off, they looked to see if the streetlamps outside reflected off the shinier black lines running along the top and bottom of the rings.

‘Oh, isn’t that lovely,’ Diane gasped. She turned Robert’s hand so Doug could see. ‘Isn’t it lovely, Doug?’

‘Aye,’ he said simply, but he was smiling. ‘Congratulations to you both.’

‘I’m so proud of you, pet.’

Vic smiled. ‘And I know I’ve said it, but so am I. And I know Dad would be, too.’

Aaron’s smile froze and fell a little. He felt Robert straighten next to him, and caught his downturned expression out of the corner of his eye. How had he missed it all this time? Or maybe he hadn’t missed it, but he hadn’t asked either. Vic and Diane though, how could they not see how much those words affected Robert?

He took his hand back from Vic (who had been admiring the ring for the umpteenth time since her brother had first shown it to her) to rest it softly on Robert’s knee under the table. Aaron had hoped that would be the last they’d hear about Jack, but Diane nodded. ‘Of course he would,’ she agreed. ‘I know that the two of you didn’t see eye to eye, but he loved you Robert; he would have wanted to see you happy.’

Robert shifted uncomfortably on his seat. Aaron read the signals and quickly changed the subject, asking Diane how the B&B was getting on.

Minutes later, when everyone at the table were busy talking about Eric and his mishap with one of the health and safety consultants, Aaron led Robert to the bar to get more drinks. He rubbed Robert’s back over his shirt, looking at him intently. ‘Talk to me,’ he said quietly.

Robert shook his head and forced a tiny smile. ‘I’m fine.’

‘I know that’s not true.’ He looked over to the table, making sure that Diane was still engaging everyone in conversation before kissing Robert’s jaw. ‘Talk to me, Darlin’.’

Robert smiled, more sincerely this time. ‘How did that start?’ he said.

‘What?’

‘That pet name. From _you_.’

Aaron smiled and shook his head. ‘I guess you bring it out in me.’ He kissed his lips gently, not caring about where they were or who would see. They had both overcome that barrier of public displays of affection when they thought they’d lost each other. ‘Don’t change the subject.’

Robert sighed and looked down at his hands. ‘You know.’

‘Yeah, I do, but… talk to me anyway.’

‘It just reminds me,’ he said quietly. Aaron was more reading his lips than listening to his words. ‘He wasn’t proud of me. That couldn’t be further from the truth.’

‘You need to tell them,’ Aaron insisted. ‘They’re gonna keep sayin’ it.’

The older man just shook his head. ‘No, I—’

‘What’s the hold up, you two?’ Vic said, suddenly appearing at their side. She was grinning from ear to ear. ‘Or did I interrupt something?’

Robert breathed a laugh. ‘Course not.’ He ordered their drinks from Chas, and ignored Aaron’s look of concern.

****

Aaron walked into the café alone the following morning. He spotted Victoria and she waved him over. ‘I need to get to work,’ he said. 

She scrunched her nose. ‘Adam’s not goin’ in today. You can afford to be a little late.’

He bit his lip in thought. ‘Alright. Just a sec.’ He had told Adam himself to stay at home today. After the few weeks Adam had had, Aaron was surprised he even let Vic out of his sight, too afraid that something would happen to the person he loved most dearly. 

At the counter, he couldn’t avoid Brenda’s prying looks and Bob’s wide grin. ‘Where’s your fiancé then?’ she asked. As much as she sometimes annoyed him, Aaron couldn’t help a little smile at Brenda’s words. He and Robert were engaged. He still had to pinch himself sometimes.

They made small talk, Aaron doing more listening than actually talking, before he took his coffee with a roll of his eyes. Vic smiled at him when he sat down. ‘Don’t pretend you don’t like it,’ she said.

‘What?’

She nodded at Brenda and Bob who were smiling and still gushing about Aaron and Robert. ‘That. People knowing that you and Rob are gonna be married; bein’ all happy for you. Askin’ to see the ring.’

Aaron’s eyes fell to the ring on his finger. It was still a natural reaction, still amazing enough to warrant a look whenever someone mentioned the dark silver band on his finger that said he had been claimed by Robert. 

‘It’s well cute,’ she gushed. ‘I can’t believe that you’re gonna be married, you know.’

‘Yeah, tell me about it,’ he chuckled. ‘Last year, we…’ he left the sentence hanging. They knew what was happening last year. It didn’t need to be talked about. ‘Can’t believe we’re _here_.’

‘I knew you’d make it,’ she said. Her eyes were misty again, the way they had got when they properly announced their engagement to her and Adam. It had been a little flare of light in such a dark time for Aaron’s best friend. ‘I know I keep sayin’ it, but Dad would be proud, you know. Robert thinks he wouldn’t be, but he would.’

Aaron scratched his eyebrow. ‘Yeah, Vic, maybe… lay off sayin’ that so much yeah?’ He knew that Robert wouldn’t want him saying anything, but he was Aaron’s fiancé; he was Aaron’s to protect. 

‘But he needs to know,’ she said with a little frown creasing the space between her eyes. ‘Dad wanted him happy. That’s all he ever wanted.’

‘Vic… I’m askin’ as his fiancé. It’s not doin’ him any good.’

‘Why?’

‘He’s… I—I can’t tell you. Just… don’t, yeah?’

‘Aaron.’

‘Look, he and Jack didn’t have the best relationship, did they?’

‘No. So more reason why he should know that Dad would be proud.’

‘Talking about Jack upsets him,’ Aaron said. 

Vic’s face dropped. ‘Oh. Okay.’

Sensing the awkwardness at the table, Aaron got to his feet. ‘I’ll get this to go,’ he said, picking up his coffee. But before he could leave the table, Vic called him back.

‘You’d tell me if there was something… really wrong, wouldn’t you?’

Aaron swallowed. ‘Yeah. Course I would.’ He squeezed her shoulder reassuringly, and let that be his goodbye.

****

Vic knew that she should let it go. She knew that Robert always got this look on his face whenever she talked about their Dad being proud of him, but he needed to hear it: their Dad had only ever wanted his kids to be happy, and Robert had found happiness with Aaron. 

‘Alright, Babe?’ 

‘Hm? Yeah. You? How’re you feelin’ now?’

Adam shrugged and sat at the table. He and Moira had slept through most of the afternoon. She’d brought food from the pub for them, but hadn’t had the heart to wake them. ‘Bit more rested,’ he said. He nodded at her cup of tea. ‘Could do with one of them.’

She smiled and got up to put the kettle on. 

‘You looked deep in thought just then,’ Adam said.

‘Did I?’ She looked at him and caught his raised brow. She sighed. ‘Just thinkin’ about Robert.’

‘Robert? Why, what’s he done now?’

‘Nothin’. Just… somethin’ Aaron said today about him and Dad; how talkin’ about him upsets Rob.’

Adam nodded. She turned back to the counter, prepared to change the topic of conversation. After everything that had happened, relationships with fathers was probably the last thing her husband wanted to talk about. But Adam surprised her when he said quietly, ‘You should talk to him. Rob I mean.’

She laughed mirthlessly. ‘D’you really think he’d talk to me about that? He barely talked to me about Aaron after Chrissie kicked him out, let alone have a chat about Dad.’

He shrugged. ‘He might. You said that he’s a bit more open about stuff now. So… you never know.’ Vic nodded, but knew ultimately that she wouldn’t ask Robert. Her brother tended to shut down about certain subjects, and Jack was one of them. He was reaching a point right now where he was becoming a lot more open, true, but she didn’t want to push him. One thing she did know for sure was that Aaron knew: at least Robert had someone he could turn to. 

‘What about Diane?’ Adam asked.

She frowned and tilted her head. ‘I dunno. Maybe.’ She shook her head. ‘Anyway. Here you go, Babe,’ she put the tea in front of Adam and accepted his sweet smile of thanks.

****

‘I heard congratulations are in order.’

Aaron looked guiltily from Adam and Moira, back to Robert. ‘Yeah.’ He cleared his throat, but didn’t hide his left hand where the ring had found its rightful place. ‘Look, I know that it’s not the best time, after—’

Moira grabbed him by the forearms. ‘Love, don’t you dare apologise! It’s good to see you smiling.’

Aaron’s lips twitched, though he still felt (and probably looked) guilty. Moira shook her head. ‘Life goes on, Aaron. What happened to Holly, and to James… well, it should be taken as a sign: life’s too short.’

‘Yeah, don’t remind us.’ He said it lightly, but he and Robert shared a look, and the older man put his arm around Aaron’s waist, drawing him closer. It had been a little over a week since he had been released from hospital, healthy and whole, but Aaron knew that Robert still troubled with nightmares of Aaron drowning in the car.

Moira smiled and offered to buy them drinks leaving Aaron feeling – once again – guilty. The woman had lost her daughter not a month ago: she shouldn’t be offering him and Robert a round. Adam shook his head and, when his Mum was at the bar, said quietly ‘Let her, mate. This is the only bit of good news to come out of everything.’

Robert smiled. ‘Been a while since I’ve been called good news.’ Aaron heard the anguish in the words and pulled himself closer to his boyfriend. Robert buried a kiss in Aaron’s gelled hair, and got to his feet. ‘Bog,’ he said. Aaron wrinkled his nose. 

As soon as he’d left, Adam nudged his friend. ‘Hey, Vic said she had a chat with you this morning, about him,’ he nodded to the doors that Robert had disappeared through, ‘and his Dad.’

‘It’s nothing,’ Aaron sighed. ‘Well, nothing for her to worry about anyway,’ he amended. 

‘Do you think that’ll stop her? She’s worried about her brother, mate.’

‘And do you think I’m not as well?’ Aaron said, lowering his voice. ‘But I know that he will never tell her about him and Jack, so she needs to drop it.’

Moira returned with the drinks, and Adam closed his mouth on whatever it was he was about to say. The woman looked between the two of them, clearly picking up on an atmosphere, and Adam shook his head with a smile. ‘Just talkin’ about Vic’s van,’ he lied easily. But it led Moira to asking about it as well, and the atmosphere had diminished by the time Robert returned to the table. 

When Diane turned up, Aaron’s shoulders immediately stiffened. As far as he knew, she and Moira hadn’t had a chance to catch up since the engagement; no doubt they’d start gushing about it, and before long, the topic of Jack would arise again. But taking them all by surprise, Diane ran a hand through Robert’s hair gently, and then asked Aaron for help with collecting some food from the kitchen to take back to the house for herself, Doug and Bernice. But when they entered the back kitchen, she closed the door firmly behind them and lowered her voice.

‘Victoria told me the two of you had words this morning in the café,’ she said.

Aaron paled. He really shouldn’t have said anything. Now it would snowball, and it was only a matter of time before everyone knew. Including Vic, which was what Robert didn’t want. ‘Yeah, look… it wasn’t anythin’ to worry about. I just—’

‘It was about their Dad,’ she finished. Her voice was soft, and her eyes were focused. ‘Tell me the truth, Aaron.’

He shook his head. ‘I can’t. I promised Robert.’

‘I’m his stepmum.’ She sighed and seemed to shrink in on herself. ‘Though, truth be told, I think I know what it’s about.’

‘You do?’

Diane nodded. ‘Jack told me: he had caught Robert with a boy in his room, he got angry and hit Robert. I know, Pet.’

‘You knew? And you’ve been saying all this time how… how Jack woulda been proud of him?’

‘Because he would! After Robert had left, Jack told me that he only wanted Robert to be happy, no matter who it was with.’

‘Why didn’t you tell him? About what Jack said?’

‘Because for so long he was in denial—’

‘Yes, _because_ of Jack! He stayed away from me for so long; denied himself for so long because of what Jack thought of him!’

‘I’m sorry, love.’

Aaron rubbed his hands across his face. ‘All this time,’ he said. ‘God, so much time wasted.’

Diane touched his arm. Aaron wanted to be angry with her, he really did. But he knew that he couldn’t: it was impossible to stay angry with Diane. ‘You have to tell him,’ he said. ‘You have to let him know what Jack said.’

‘I know I do,’ she said. ‘Only, then he’ll know that you told Vic who told me.’

‘I don’t care,’ Aaron said. ‘He’ll get over that, but he needs to know that Jack was proud of him! Do you realise that all of his… his self-loathing is mixed up in Jack?’

**** 

Back in the main room, Robert had returned to a full table. Apparently, Vic had arrived whilst he’d been gone and had invited David and Tracy to drink with them. ‘Here’s one of the grooms to be!’ Victoria practically squealed. ‘Show ‘em the engagement ring!’ she demanded as soon as Robert had sat down again. 

When Robert made no immediate move to—frozen by the sudden attention on him—she huffed and made a grab for his left hand, holding it up for David and Tracy to see. Tracy made an approving noise in her throat, and David nodded sagely as if he had years of ring shopping under his belt. ‘Nice one, mate,’ he said. ‘You and Aaron must be happy, eh?’

‘Happy?’ Tracy giggled. ‘Have you seen their faces around the village? Surprised planes haven’t landed with how bright they’re beamin’!’

Robert ducked his head, a pleased flush tinting his cheeks pink. ‘Yeah, we are.’

‘Happy looks good on you,’ Moira said. ‘Both of you. God knows Aaron can do with some happiness after what he’s been through.’

Jimmy, who had been propping up the bar, raised his pint glass. ‘I’ve known you for years, Robert. Always knew you’d come good.’ Robert scoffed in disbelief, and Jimmy shook his head. ‘No, honestly. I know things weren’t great when you were younger—’

‘Understatement,’ Nicola muttered from beside him, though she was smiling as well.

‘—but you’ve come good. Jack would’ve proud of you.’

‘Exactly! That’s what I’ve been tellin’ him!’ Vic said. ‘See, maybe you’ll listen when—’

‘Vic, just leave it,’ Robert hissed. The sudden talk turning to Jack had stunned him. He needed Aaron; he needed his fiance’s calming presence, his touch to ground him, his voice to soothe his fraying nerves. 

‘Why don’t you wanna hear it?’ Vic said, genuinely curious. Beside her, Adam was trying to quieten her. ‘Dad would’ve been happy you’re happy!’

‘So why did he hit me for having a boy in my room then, eh?’ Robert suddenly yelled. The pub fell into shocked silence. ‘Why couldn’t he even _look_ at me for weeks because I didn’t fall into what he _wanted_ for a son? Vic, he _beat_ me for being bisexual! So no, I can’t accept that he’d be proud of me, because I knew what he really thought!’

‘Robert.’ No one had seen Aaron emerge from the kitchen. Robert’s eyes fell on his fiancé, but ran out of the pub before Aaron could say his name again, before he could beg him to wait. 

****

‘Thought I’d find you here.’

Robert didn’t react to Aaron’s voice. The grass was wet underneath him. The recent shower had darkened his Mum’s headstone. His face was wet, but he had long since forgotten or cared if it were tears or rain. He heard Aaron sigh, saw his fiancé settle next to him on the damp grass. His jaw clenched.

‘You can’t hide forever.’

Robert shuffled. ‘I’m not.’

Aaron’s head tipped back. There was silence but for the faint call of a robin in the cemetery. ‘I don’t see what’s so bad about it, Robert,’ he eventually said. ‘So Diane and Vic know now—’

‘As well as half the village,’ Robert interrupted. ‘Brenda was there, so the whole village will know by tomorrow.’ 

‘Well… it can only be a good thing, can’t it? It’s out in the open now, and—’

‘How many people do you think _actually_ believed me?’ Robert said. ‘Like, seriously?’ He waved at the headstone bearing his father’s name, next to his Mum’s. ‘Jack Sugden was everyone’s hero,’ he said. ‘He was well-loved, well-respected. Do you seriously think that they—the people in that village who have known him most of their lives—are going to believe that his lying, manipulating, cheater of a son was telling the truth when he blurted out that his father hit him for having a boy in his room?’

‘I believe you,’ Aaron said softly.

Robert closed his eyes. ‘You’re probably the only one that does.’

‘I’m almost certain that’s not true.’

There was something in his voice; something that made Robert look up at Aaron, made him scrutinise him closely. ‘You and Diane were gone for a long time,’ he said. When his fiancé shuffled and looked away from Robert’s soul-searching gaze, Robert knew. ‘You told her, didn’t you? You told Diane.’

‘She already knew,’ Aaron objected. ‘Diane… she—she already knew.’

‘What? How?’

Aaron shook his head and bit his lip. ‘That’s a conversation you and her need to have,’ he said. ‘But trust me, Robert, it’s not nearly as bad as you think.’ He put a hand on Robert’s knee, the ring glinting in the dim afternoon sun. He kissed Robert’s cheek, and as if by reflex, as if he were under Jack’s watchful and disapproving eyes, Robert flinched back. When he realised what he had done, Robert couldn’t apologise fast enough, but Aaron knew. Aaron always knew. ‘You need to speak to Diane, Robert,’ he murmured, his words pressing into Robert’s skin. ‘You’ve come so far; you know you have.’

Robert nodded. He knew it to be true: he knew that he was a far cry from the man who had arrived back in the village a scant two years ago full of pomp and circumstance and wanting the highlife so that he could shove it in the face of the memory of his father. He was also so different from the lad of fifteen, afraid that he had earned Jack’s disappointment for life; afraid and ashamed of his own desires because they didn’t fit in at all with what Jack wanted. He knew differently now, _felt_ differently. He knew that what he had now was real happiness, and he could have real contentment as well, as long as he put the memory of his father’s disappointment to rest.

He turned his head slowly and met Aaron’s eyes. He rested his forehead against his fiance’s and sighed deeply. ‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘For… for everything.’

Aaron shook his head. ‘I love you, you idiot,’ he whispered. 

**** 

As soon as they entered the pub, it became clear that people had been talking about him. Robert held his head high. He wasn’t the one at fault here, he tried to tell himself. Yet why did he feel, with the eyes of the villagers on him, that he was standing on the gallows?

Robert saw the judgment in their eyes, the immediate disbelief and disregard that the great Jack Sugden had been anything but wonderful. Diane was sitting with Vic, apparently filled in on what had happened. She stood up and approached them carefully, looking at Robert as if he were about to either start throwing tables or start crying at any second. Robert held it together, and only stood straighter when Aaron’s gripped his wrist, his middle and index fingers pressed directly over Robert’s pulse. ‘We should talk,’ she said. ‘In the back room.’

Victoria held apprehension and no small amount of fear in her eyes and Robert felt himself deflate. This was exactly what he had wanted to avoid: he knew that Victoria saw their Dad completely differently to both him and Andy. The brothers knew that their father was hardly flawless, and whilst Vic no doubt knew this as well, Robert always thought that Jack was something extra special to his sister. He wanted this to be a dream, he wanted it to fade with the morning as quickly as dew on the grass. He wanted to wipe this clean. Robert was good at running, but he knew this was something that he couldn’t run from. He watched Vic and Diane leave the pub first, then let Aaron pull him along to the back room.

Victoria sat on the sofa, on the very edge of it, her hands clasped together so tightly her knuckles were turning white. Adam was there as a kind of moral support. Her face was too red. Confrontation always brought blood rushing to his cheeks. She and Robert were alike in that respect, something they must have gotten from Jack. She waited until Robert had sat at the table before licking her lips. ‘What were you talking about?’ she said with no preamble. ‘What d’you mean, Dad _beat_ you?’

Robert closed his eyes. He rested his elbows on his thighs and ran his hands through his short hair. ‘Dad—he caught me with a boy in my room, Vic.’ His voice was shaking and he couldn’t get it to stop, not even when Aaron put a hand on his shoulder. ‘We weren’t doing anything, but… I—I liked him, and I wanted—’ He cut himself short and swallowed. He still wasn’t comfortable talking about this. The fact that he was openly in love and engaged to Aaron didn’t change the fact that Jack had made him ashamed about his past and his attraction to the farmhand. ‘He caught us, and—’

‘No,’ Vic said. ‘No, it must have been something else. It _had_ to have been.’ 

‘Babe,’ Adam murmured.

‘No! No, Dad wasn’t like that! He wasn’t homophobic!’

Robert shook his head. ‘No, he probably wasn’t, Vic. But this was different because it was one of his kids; his _son_ who he wanted to give the farm to, and he wanted to see me with a wife and kids, passing the farm onto them. You know how traditional Dad was; I didn’t fit in with that.’

Victoria was still shaking her head in denial, but she had a different look in her eyes. She knew. She knew that Robert wasn’t lying, but she couldn’t reconcile the image she had of her father with what her brother was telling her now.

‘Vic,’ Robert said. He leant forward. ‘Vic, you know he’d hit me before. I know you overheard me and Diane talking about it when I was younger.’

‘That was different though! What you did… it was different, Robert! This—no, he wouldn’t.’

Aaron shifted awkwardly. ‘Vic, maybe you should let Diane talk.’

The siblings fell silent. Diane looked anything but comfortable, but she sighed and told them what she knew anyway. ‘After Robert left the village,’ she said, ‘your Dad told me what he had done. It must have been a good few months after Robert had left, mind. He told me that—that he had caught Robert and the other lad in their room, that he had lost his temper and hit Robert.’

Vic shook her head, still caught in her instinctual denial. Robert ran his hand roughly over his eyes. Aaron leaned into his fiancé, letting him know that he had him for support should he need it.

‘But, Robert, you have to know that he regretted it! He regretted it so much, pet. All he wanted was to see you happy, no matter who it was with!’

‘And why couldn’t he tell Robert that himself?’ Aaron said, surprising even himself with his harsh tone. ‘Why wait until he wasn’t even in the village to tell _you_?’

‘I only know what he told me.’ She looked at Robert, her gaze unwavering. ‘He didn’t know how to apologise to you, Robert. He was sorry, of course he was, but it was difficult for him—’

‘You mean I made it difficult for him,’ Robert spat. ‘Because I was still every bit of the disappointment that he knew me to be.’

‘Rob,’ Vic whispered.

‘I was fifteen, Diane! Fifteen! I didn’t know how to… how to deal with how I felt. If it had been Mum who walked in that day, things would have been different: we would have talked, she would have understood. I wouldn’t have wasted so much time denying who I was, burying everything I felt for every man that I felt something for. I wouldn’t have hurt Aaron half as much as I did! He made me feel ashamed for something that I couldn’t control.’

‘And he was so sorry for that, Robert!’ Diane implored. ‘I know he was! When he told me… you should have heard the regret in his voice. He hated the way he reacted.’

'If you knew, why didn't you tell me?' Robert said. In that moment, he sounded so young, so desperate, that Aaron wanted nothing more than to hold him. 'You must have known what it did to me? What it did to me and Dad?'

Vic was looking back and forth between them. Aaron could tell that there were a thousand and one questions on her mind, and he was grateful that she held off on asking them. 

Diane's eyes were regretful. 'I'm sorry, pet,' she said. 'You've never talked about it, about what happened. I suppose I just assumed you'd gotten past it.'

Had it been anyone else, Aaron could almost accept that explanation. He wouldn't have liked it, but he would have seen the truth in it: Robert so rarely talked about his issues with Jack, and he never talked about his sexuality with anyone but Aaron. But coming from Diane, the woman who was supposed to know him so well... It wasn't good enough.

'How could I have?' Robert exclaimed. 'You know how I feel about Dad, how I've always felt that he wasn't proud of me; that he didn't care about what I wanted as long as I gave him what he wanted! Or were you just too caught up with Andy to see it?'

'Can we please not do this again,' Victoria said, sounding on the verge of tears. 'This isn't about Andy. I still don't understand! Why would Dad hit you because you're bisexual?'

'Because I didn't fit in with his idea of the perfect son,' Robert said through grit teeth. He turned to Diane. 'What did he tell you? Did he even explain it? _Could_ he?'

'That might have been part of it,' she conceded. 'And it must have been such a shock. Can you imagine it, Robert?'

'If I caught Liv in her room with another girl, my first reaction wouldn't be to beat her if that's what you're getting at!'

'Of course it isn't!' Vic said.

‘Look, why don’t we leave it for today, eh?’ Adam tried. He put his hand on Vic’s arm, rubbing it soothingly. Aaron could see her shaking from where he was. ‘We’re just goin’ round in circles.’

Aaron nodded. ‘Let’s leave it before someone says something they regret.’

Robert laughed under his breath incredulously and shook his head but didn’t object. Vic bit her lip, but nodded, as did Diane. She got to her feet, but before leaving, went to Robert’s side. ‘He did love you, pet,’ she said softly. ‘I know that he didn’t always show it, and he really messed up when it came to your sexuality—’

‘Understatement,’ Robert hissed. 

‘But he wanted you to be happy,’ she said, firmer. ‘That is what he was clear on: no matter who it was with or when you found it, he wanted you to be happy.’

Robert didn’t say anything and didn’t look at her. Aaron nodded and smiled at Diane, hoping that she understood the gratitude. 

When they were alone, Robert got to his feet so quickly that Aaron flinched back. He went into the kitchen and grabbed the kettle roughly, filling with water. He slammed it back on the stand and flicked the switch. Then he forward on the cabinet. His shoulders shuddered.

Aaron was there instantly, holding him and rubbing circles on his back. ‘C’mere,’ he murmured. ‘Come on, leave the kettle for now.’ He guided Robert to the sofa and he collapsed onto it. His breath came in gasps and Aaron felt his heart break for him; he had only seen Robert like this once: in the lodge when he thought his world was falling apart. This time Aaron was able to comfort him, and he did. He pulled Robert until his fiancé was resting his head on Aaron’s shoulder. He shushed him, whispering words of love and support into his blond hair. 

Eventually Robert cried himself out, but he didn’t move from his place on Aaron’s shoulder and Aaron didn’t want him to move. He held him tighter instead and kissed his hair. He was filled with so much love for Robert in that moment he thought he’d burst with it. It was the kind of love and feeling of protection and devotion that he could never have even dreamt of because he didn’t know, until Robert, that it existed. He hated what Jack had done to Robert, and he wondered for a moment if this was what Robert felt when Aaron told him what Gordon had done to him. 

He was speaking before even realised the words were out of his mouth. ‘I hated myself when I realised that I was gay,’ he whispered. ‘I couldn’t stand the fact that I was… and I thought that—that he had made me that way. I know better now of course, but back then… god, I was so full of self hatred.’ He felt Robert’s arms tighten around him, and if possible Aaron fell even more in love with him. ‘Paddy helped me. He helped me so much, you know? He accepted me even when I couldn’t accept myself. I could talk to him about anything.’ He pressed another kiss to Robert’s head. ‘And I’m here for you, Darlin’. Talk to me, tell me everything you’re feeling.’

Robert didn’t say anything for a few long moments, but Aaron knew that he was thinking and he let silence consume the room. ‘It feels like everything has changed, and yet nothing has,’ Robert said. ‘Even though I know now that my Dad was sorry for what he did, he was still disappointed enough in me to not even tell me himself. I don’t know what to feel.’

Aaron shook his head. ‘Sometimes… sometimes things aren’t tied off as neatly as we’d like them to be,’ he said. ‘There are some things we need to come to terms with on our own because we can’t have that… that _closure_ I suppose.’

He felt Robert nod. ‘I suppose. I just… I thought that finding out that he did regret what he did, that he was sorry, and that he just wanted me to be happy would feel different. But it doesn’t. It feels… it doesn’t feel like anything has changed. He was still disappointed in me. It was for different things, maybe not for being bi, but I was still a disappointment.’

‘He was mad not to see how amazing you are,’ Aaron said. ‘Believe me, Robert, you’re not a disappointment.’

Robert inhaled deeply. It wasn’t a fix-it. Not at all, but maybe with the support of his family and of Aaron, Robert would start to heal.

‘Vic doesn’t believe me.’

‘She does,’ Aaron said. ‘You can tell she does; she’s just gonna take a while to come to terms with it.’

‘I wish she didn’t know.’

‘I’m glad she does. And I think in time you’ll be glad of it as well.’ 

They sat in silence, and after a while, Aaron felt Robert’s warm lips against the skin on his neck. He smiled lightly, and it only broadened when his fiancé lifted his head and kissed his lips. ‘I love you,’ Robert said. Aaron nodded and kissed him again.

**** 

Robert found Vic in the café a few days later. They had avoided each other, and to be honest, Robert was glad of it. Everything was still too raw, too open for him to feel that his sister stood against him. 

She was sitting alone, nursing a mug of coffee. They smiled at each other tentatively, and when Robert had made his order, he sat with her. ‘Don’t mind, do you?’ he asked.

‘’Course not,’ she said. They waited in silence until Robert’s coffee had been delivered. Bob gave Robert a smile when he brought it to the table, a smile that Robert hadn’t seen before. It seemed that word had got around then. When he’d left, Victoria smiled apologetically. ‘I hate falling out.’

‘We haven’t fallen out, have we?’

She shrugged. ‘Didn’t know if you still wanted anythin’ to do with me, after the way I acted the other day.’

‘Don’t be stupid.’ Robert smiled, though it pained him to do so. Vic raised her eyebrow sceptically and Robert let his fake smile drop. ‘That’s partly why I didn’t want to tell you, Vic. I didn’t want to ruin the image you have of Dad.’

‘Rob,’ she shuffled forward on her seat and spoke lower so that only he could hear her. ‘I love you. But you’re an idiot. I mean, I know I didn’t react… great when you told me. But you’re my brother. All I want is to support you. I know you and Dad never were, well, _fantastic_. I knew there was something that you weren’t telling me. I didn’t expect it to be that, though. I’m sorry I didn’t want to believe you. But I do believe you, Rob. I know you wouldn’t lie about this.’

Robert nodded. Then he smiled a little. Small, but it was there. He felt a weight shift on his shoulders. It hadn’t lifted, not by any means, but having his sister tell him that she believed him, to know that he had her, Diane and Aaron on his side meant more to him than he could ever explain. 

‘One thing I do know though,’ she said carefully. ‘Was that he wanted us all to be happy.’

‘I am happy, Vic,’ Robert assured her. ‘I’m happier than I’ve ever been.’ 

They didn’t talk about Jack anymore after that, not that morning at least. When he’d finished his coffee, Robert left the café. He let his feet carry him to the graveyard, and stop in front of his Dad’s grave. He had to start to make his peace with Jack, and he knew that he could do that with his family—old and new—by his side. He put his left hand on the headstone, watching the ring glimmer and shine in the sunlight. ‘Yeah,’ he nodded. ‘Okay.’


End file.
